Sincerely, Sarah: Advice. Sort of.

by Sarah Kobetis

Wednesday February 22, 2006

I think my don is senile. What should I do?

Avoid sudden movements. The last thing you want is to startle your don and have him or her come at you all fists and elbows in a fit of dementia when all you wanted was a signature on your add/drop form.

My roommate cries. A lot. What can I do to her? Punch her?

Yes. "But won’t I get in trouble?" you ask. Well, as a very wise man once said to a girl in a situation similar to yours: "That’s why you wear a mask."

What’s with the Slonim 9 boys? I hear they put roofies in girls’ drinks!

Listen, the only thing you’re going to find in those drinks is cheap beer and dirty ping-pong ball residue, and possibly the result of some drunk girl mistaking your cup for an ashtray.

Someone started a rumor about me in the SLC anonymous livejournal post and I now find myself questioning everything I believe in. Help me, Sarah!

I love anonymity. The great equalizer, I say. Although, bear in mind that I say that in a column that prominently displays my name and photograph.

But anyway, to the point: just this once feel free to disregard the always wise words of one Lindsay Lohan—namely, "I’m tired of rumors starting/I’m sick of being followed/I’m tired of people lying/Saying what they want about me." Start your own rumors! Go crazy! Good places to start: "I hear [insert name] drinks her own blood. WTF???" or "[Insert name] looooves Maroon 5. Totes serious!!!"

Also, try to get out more. A little natural light and interactions with real people never hurt anybody.

Don’t forget to tip your columnists. Email questions to phoenix@slc.edu.