Sincerely, Sarah: Advice.

by Sarah Kobetis

Friday April 28, 2006

Where are all the cute, queer girls around here?

Come on. If it’s not the queer girls, it’s the straight guys. Let’s just all accept the fact that this campus is not conducive to dating and move on. Odds are you’re not going to find the boy/girl of your dreams here, and, if you do, he/she is probably already hooking up with somebody else. Of course, I mean all this in the nicest way possible, so I’ve got a (fairly obvious) alternative for you, Sergeant Pepper: outsource.

In this era of globalization, take a page from the book of capitalism—if your current environment is infringing upon your profit-making abilities, move your business somewhere else. If you’re really desperate for a date, you’re going to have to think like a cold-hearted, profit-motivated capitalist; I know this may be a stretch for a lot of you.

Anyway, in this scenario you, date-seeker, would be a multinational company, Sarah Lawrence would be the United States, and, say, a SUNY-Purchase frat party would be your basic developing country. America is cramping your style! You need to find a country where you can develop capital without pesky child labor laws holding you down! In other words, the Sarah Lawrence ratio is making it hard to get a date, so you’re going to need to head somewhere else in order to find a cute boy or girl to hold hands with at the movies.

Possible relocations, along with pros and cons: the L train. Great place to find a date, if you’re looking for an unwashed hipster. Or an unwashed homeless person. Sometimes difficult to differentiate.

Also noteworthy are grocery stores: “Hey, you like bread too?!” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Possible downside, though, is that if it ends up working out too well you’re going to find yourself with a lot of extra Flik cash in May.