Joe's List: Surviving Conferences Without Opening a Book

by Joe Lazauskas

Wednesday April 4, 2007

Returning from Spring Break means many things: being reunited with friends, getting drunk and running around campus half naked in the warm weather, and realizing, “Holy shit! I have a conference today and I still haven’t done any work.” Yes, we’re approaching that latter half of the semester when professors expect you to have started on your conference work, and you still haven’t picked up a book on your topic. Here’s how to survive that potential half hour of hell fo various disciplines.

Writing: Voice your disdain at the printed word being “so overdone” when your professor asks for the rough draft of your story; then professor your love of the oral narratives of the Classical Antiquity period. Before your professor has time to interject, launch into the story of that time you got trashed in NYC and totally missed the last train and had to walk around all night in the cold. Your confused but empathetic professor (who had that same experience last week) will certainly give you a pass.

Psychology: It is common knowledge that the school recruits psychology professors by telling them that their students will be borderline insane and very interesting subjects. Make this promise come to fruition by stumbling into your professor’s office, “accidentally” hitting your head on the desk, and then launching into the persona of various eighties’ sitcom characters at five minute intervals. Whether you’re the young conservative Alex from _Family Ties,_ the bumbling “Coach” from Cheers, pr the troublesome Tootie from The Facts of Life, your professor will undoubtedly be professionally fascinated and comically amused for the full half hour.

Anthropology: Nothing… excites an anthropology professor more than discovering one of the fifty people who actually purchased their book. After years of becoming embittered by thirty-seven cent royalty checks, the sight of you holding a precious copy of their work will inspire your professors to regale you with tales of their time amongst the natives. Extra brownies points for dressing up like one of your professor’s former subjects, be it Scandinavian fishing folk or the Australian psychedelic culture. You may look like the Gordon’s Fisherman or rehab-era Britney Spears as you trudge across campus, but your professor will be thrilled.

Foreign Language: Foreign language professors secretly want to be pop stars, so captivate them with song and dance. Spanish: lip sync Shakira while breaking out your sexiest swerves. French: perform the entire soundtrack of Moulin Rouge with a seductive strip tease. German: Fill the room with “99 Luftballons.”

History: There is little easier than baiting a Sarah Lawrence History professor into a politics debate, and nothing gets an SLC professor more riled up than the support of a steadfastly crazy, conservative, republican presidential candidate. Storm into your professor’s office and announce “I love Mitt Romney,” and watch the fireworks begin. Counterpoint every intelligent remark your professor makes with comebacks like, “But you don’t understand Mitt’s credentials, have you ever read his book, Turnaround: Crisis, Leadership and the Olympic Games? Or Mitt Romney is a Morally Pure Mormon: He Married His High School Sweetheart. Either your professor’s head will explode, or he’ll bludgeon you with Gerhard L. Weinberg’s 1,198 page history of World War II, but regardless, you’ll buy yourself two more weeks of wonderful procrastination.