Ken and Barbie

by Joe Lazauskas

Wednesday April 4, 2007

Dear Ken and Barbie,

I’ve heard some crazy rumors lately. Was Sleaze Week really changed to Glamour Week because of the tight-knit administration’s unnatural obsession with glam metal? Is Dick Cheney really going to guest DJ the Catholic Rave and hand out shotgun glow sticks? Can “Crazy Naked House” really be a theme house next year?

Sincerely,
Kate

Dear Kate,

Your answers, in order:

1) For once, I feel the Administration has been properly credited, as yes, Sleaze Week was indeed changed to Glamour Week because of our obsession with glam metal… as in, actual ferrous metal. I think one needs only to look at our new signage on Kimball and Glen Washington to see that a happy college is one with sleek, clean lines, back-lit by L.E.D. lighting on a timer. Glamour Week would do well to use this as a model.

2) To be honest, I had not heard that Dick Cheney would be the guest DJ at the Catholic Rave. That said, I would like to take this opportunity to remind students that it is crucial that they not contract our DJs without checking first with Jennifer Montalbano, the Director of Student Activities. This applies just as much to Vice-Presidents as it does the DJ at Yonkers Raceway. Also, please refer to our Weapons Policy on p. 112 of the handbook. Do you really want to chance Housing Probation by accepting a shotgun glow stick by an elected official?

3) Oh, theme housing… I’m going to leave it at that.

- Ken

Kate,

Ken may try to hide Student Affairs’ strange obsessions, but let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve spotted Mary Spellman stage dive at a Queen reunion concert or heard Ken belt out “I believe in a thing called love,” whiel running on the treadmill at the Sports Center. It’s simply fantabulous.

Supposedly Cheney lost a Super Bowl bet to his lesbian daughter and as a result has to DJ our Catholic Rave; sources inside the White House tell me that he convinced Bush to let him have the night off by promising him that DJing the Rave would help rile up the conservative-religious base for the ’08 election. No word on the shotgun glowsticks, although Cheney was the high online bidder for a skeet shooting lesson from the SSSF Auction.

And yes, “Crazy Naked House” can be a theme house next year, although it will be strictly enforced as quiet housing and substance-free; so really, what’s the fun in that?

- Barbie